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Mood: Time: 2:17 a.m. Listening to: Beauty for Ashes, Crystal Lewis *..know that tomorrow brings, wholeness and healing. God knows your needs, just remember, He gives beauty for ashes, strength from fear, gladness from mourning, peace for despair* I was going to talk some but it's 3:25...I was talking with Maki for a while! Anyway, I went to see the Phantom of the Opera with Ams, Jack and Ryan...still love it. If you haven't seen it...go see it! So worth the money. This time I sat watching and praying, about loving people. People you don't like, people who assume you are supposed to live a certain way or do things in the way that makes sense to only them, or people who have harmed you or you feel threatened by...the list goes on. Either way, I was asking Jesus to guide me in how I deal with them, and show me to love more effectively and truly. And also for certain individuals who are not on my 'woohoo' list so to speak. We had to take a cab home cuz the buses stopped running by the time the movie was done! That was interesting. And I got home and made myself a cup of coffee...realized I didn't really want it after..so drank half. And then I did the nerd quiz from Ams' blog....and the result is... 
SO yea...not so much a nerd! First time I've heard that...but hehe, I can live with the result I guess. Now I gotta fold my laundry so I can put clean sheets on my bed so I can sleep! GOODNIGHT :) |
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Mood: Time: 5:48 p.m. Listening to: God's Will, Martina McBride
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Mood: Time: 5:48 p.m. Listening to: God's Will, Martina McBride *I've been wounded, jaded, loved and hated I've wrestled wrong and right ... I've been readin', writin', prayin', fightin' I guess I would be still Yeah, that was until I knew God's Will * This song is about a boy named Will...and also about will...in the sense that the title intimates. It makes me think about all the things that are right in front of us and yet we don't see God in it. But He is...in the people around us, that we may not even know are there. In the situations we find ourselves in when we don't see a way out of them. In the times when we are so joyful and He is filled with happiness because of ours. In the times when we are so broken and He is crying for us, but still making a way out of no way. And we are only going to keep fighting and thinking and crying until we know His will, which is beautiful. Today hasn't even started yet...for me anyway. I did go to class today. I don't really know why..except I felt this need to curl into a ball on my bed and cry/pray/hide. It was almost like I couldn't get up and face the world. When I finally got out of my bed, I took a shower and went into the living room. Sars was the only one home then, and it was good. We talked a lot, and just spent time together, it helped me. I just want to say how grateful I am for her. And for all my room mates. God put us all in this place with a plan, with purpose. And I'm very glad for it...even with the differences we may have. He is better than the sum of us, He is working in us. I've got so much to say and not a lot of mental power at this point to talk about them. For some reason today I've been making a ton of spelling errors. ARGH. Yesterday was pretty brutal, Maki and I have the same class and had papers to write for it. It was pretty tiring, I went to bed at 7:40 something. I was so drained by the end of it. And then after I handed it in, I had the biggest fears because I thought of lots of things I could have said and what I wish I didn't say!! Not a good way to begin. Another thing that has been occupying some of my time is anime. I seriously want to watch a good romance anime. But they are so hard to find! Argh...anyway. I may go to Gen X and get some and we can have an anime night with the girls. Now I have another paper to do, it's not so long. Not sure where to start...but I gotta get it done by 1-2 a.m. tonight. Not pulling another all nighter...too brutal! *I'm trading my sorrows, I'm trading my shame, I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord* P.S. I'm sorry I did write something on Sunday but I didn't update the website. So there's more to read :) |
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Mood: Time: 4:13 p.m. Listening to: Everything to me, Starfield * More than proof of Your existence, More than trust in what I see. All I need to know in this life, it that You're alive in me. More than answers to my questions, More than doubt in me's resolved. I want You to be, everything to me. Inside my thoughts and through my life, I want to know Your peace...no other to compete.* This song is so beautiful...it's all about Jesus. About a personal, intimate relationship that transcends anything that is earthly. The past couple of days have been good...peaceful. Not in all areas but in more of a God way. I've had so many times of confusion, but I've also had more times where I've felt peace flowing in my heart...even when I didn't realize it. He's amazing to me. More so than I think I have a right to, but I'm grateful for it anyway. I didn't go to church today, I decided not to last night. I watched some of Miss Congeniality and then the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood with Maki and Sars. Then we watched the British version of What Not to Wear. That was ..um..interesting. The women who host the show would talk about the person (in Britain it's the celebrities) and their boobs. It was really weird, they'd hold the lady's breasts to make a point, or keep talking with their hands on the boobs. Can I say...this is when I think we need a literal bubble! Anyways, Maki and I decided to work out...we've done it once before...randomly, also in the evening lol. But this time we worked out as opposed to last time's seeing what was a good exercise to do. And we had fun. Crunches, Yoga and some Pilates. Then we went to bed, lol. I woke up around 12 p.m...and just watched a Biography on Bryan Adams. Then I was setting up my room..rearranged it..sort of ...and I was standing on my chair (swivel) and it fell voer..and I had this massive fall. I was sure My skull got cracked... but it seems like it was just my foot. |
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Mood: Time: 1:15 a.m. Listening to: One thing I know, Selah * God will take away your pain, if you choose to let it go * This has been such a long and tired day. Yes it started out tired! But I had so much activity in this day. Seems weird doesn't it? I missed a class today, I was so tired, and then I almost missed my second class. But I leapt out of bed...literally and then I was pretty grumpy for a while. I so want a snow day! But on either Tues or Thurs lol. Gotta be specific...O:) I was about to go to my last class...starving, and a former usher (I think) who is in the class elbowed me and said class was cancelled. Woohoo!! Walked home...but for some reason I took a long route! Anyway...got home and melted into the couch. Watched the Bush Inaugural Parade/Ceremony...whatever was on when I got home. Now I am going to say this, because I AM NOT ASHAMED of this...YAY FOR BUSH! People need to start opening their eyes to how much he has helped the U.S. Honestly, all Clinton was good for was gabbing. So Bush isn't the best orator in the world...atleast he has heart. It's weird how easily people are influenced into taking the 'against' view...when it's all a bucnch of 'he's a republican, he can't speak properly, he's from Texas' behind it all. ANYWAY...I lay on the couch and tried to nap...btu I couldn't. Then Sars got home..and I think we chatted for a bit...and then I started cleaning! Seriously...I don't know why I get here and clean all the time. I honestly do not do it at home home. After Maki got home and we went to Zellers and Sobeys. We brought back our spoils walking...it was so cold. We had to stop at a fast food place to sit down and thaw. It was crazy..I was wearing gloves and I lost feeling in my fingers! That was such a painful walk. But we got home and made pizza with Sars. Yum! half an hour into it...I lost any form of strength I possessed. Last night I was chatting with an aunt of mine in the middle east...and she was telling me that the BJP (Indian political party (extremist hindus)...(that I think is in power...or maybe not)) were trying to ban the Benny Hinn Crusade in Bangalore, because he would try to convert them. It went to some court of minister and he said no. That they would see what came of it. Ah...look it up in the news online. I was so happy they couldn't ban it. But then I read this line that said something like...if people converted then the government would deal with them. I was not impressed with that...are people not free to choose who they worship? It irked me, because the topic of conversion came up with Sars too. People talk about Christians trying to convert people like we're out to force people into it. I believe in the Great Commission. If Jesus took the time to make sure it was clear to us what we are to do before he ascended, then it's important. But He did not tell us to force people into it. We are to tell people the good news not shove it down their throats and make them accept it. We are to love and talk with them so that they can see for themselves what Christianity ( and I mean authentic, real Christianity) is, so they hopefully will choose to follow Jesus. My job is to live for Jesus, to do His will and to love Him and the people He created. Not always easy but so emminently worth it. When people talk about me converting someone else...or trying to, it really bugs me. I'm here to love, to show people the love He has shown me. I'm not saying I'm perfect. I am however real, and I am learning. I'm tired, but I want you to know that Jesus loves you. Believe it. Anger at the world, circumstances and even people don't really solve anything. If you are uncertain, go to God and then talk to people. Hiding is just going to keep it hidden. Trust in the Lord, He's put people into your life not so you can keep it all to yourself. Sharing is caring. That said, be discerning. |
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Mood: Time: 1:04 a.m. Listening to: When God Ran, Philips, Craig and Dean *The only time I ever saw Him run, was when He ran to me. He took me in His arms, held my head to His chest, said my son's coming home again. Looked in my face, wiped the tears from my eyes, with forgiveness in His voice. He said, Son, do you know I still love you.* I love this song. It's incredible to me, how true it is. God doesn't care about the past, once you return to Him, He will run to hold you close to Him. He forgives... and He loves, inspite of everything that we put Him through. And we put Him though things that should never be in the first place! Today was interesting. I woke up to my alarm and it said that there were bus routes cancelled and some schools closed I think..not so sure about the last part. Anyway, I thought it was 10, and I walked out of my room blurry eyed...hoping desperately for a snow day. Sniff no such luck..and it was only 8:45-ish when I walked out! Anyway, I went to my one class and it was alright...I can be honest and say the prof intimidates me but then he doesn't. One thing that makes me unhappy with that class is my prof is a self proclaimed Darwinist, in his thought. Now we are studying about communication thought, however in learning all that we have to, it just makes it hard to swallow some stuff that he says. About how this thinker was a precursor to Darwin and the blahs about how people were on all fours before and naturally had hair everywhere...and even just the way it comes out. I don't know, I don't approve much of Darwin. I think the guy spent a lot of time in the Galapagos thinking up something that would make him look smart and cater to the x-number of people who were looking for a way to not trust God. Lol...that sounds so bitter, and maybe I am. But then I know that Satan likes to muck up our thoughts. So, I'm not going to give him the satisfaction. Another thing that I noticed today, homosexuality is like the 'in' thing to have in movies. It's really hard because I feel so bad for how they are impressing this idea of 'it's alright to be queer' but it's not! It is such a problem in that young children watch TV, the grow up in a world where homosexuality is an option for who they are. They think it's normal, it happens, people are born like that. But it's not true. It's not normal, it doesn't just happen and people are NOT born that way. It's the way of the world, it's a perversion of the purity of sexuality that God gave us. I know Oprah apparently had a problem with this statement some years ago...as far as I remember but it's so true...God made Adam and Eve, NOT Adam and Steve. Get with the program people. Your life is supposed to glorify God, not sex. Ah, yeah I made this pretty long. I'm looking to God for a lot of things. I've been trying to somehow deal with certain situations but I realize that it can only be done if the other side wills them to be dealt with. So I'm praying and letting Him work in us. Only He knows the reality of our situations, motivations, actions. I'm so excited for what He's doing in me. What He's opening my eyes to, what He is doing in what He has done. |
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Mood: Time: 1:15 a.m. Listening to: Pour my love on You, Philips, Craig and Dean I know it's weird, but I actually did get this song again right now. But I don't think it's a coincidence. This is a song that was on before the present one. But it was a response to some questions I had in my heart. His ways are so much higher than ours. We need to learn that once submitted, THROUGH the fire, He is going to make everything much more beautiful than we can ever comprehend. Right now we get take down the giants...WITH HIM. Check out this song. Song : Worth It All I don't understand your ways Oh but I will give you my song give you all of my praise you hold on to all my pain with it you are pulling me closer and pulling me into your ways Now around every corner up every mountain I'm not looking for crowns or water from fountains I'm desperate in seeking, frantic believing that the sight of your face is all that I'm needing I will say to you Its gonna be worth it, Its gonna be worth it all, I believe this. Its gonna be worth it, Its gonna be worth it all, I believe this. |
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Mood: Time: 12:30 a.m. Listening to: Pour my love on You, Philips, Craig and Dean *My dearest Friend, Lord this is my desire. To pour my love on You. Like oil upon Your feet. Like wine for You to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on You.* Discontent. It's strange to me how much our lives are so completely intertwined. And yet I have always been attached to my friends and my family. I mean I know how much they can hurt, but it never seems to matter. When stuff happens I hurt, but then He heals me. And He works in the situations. Over and over and over. He's in the restoration business. :)..that never fails to keep me afloat. I said recently that I was spineless to someone. And in some ways I have been, but in others I've come to realize how much stronger my spine really is. I just never knew it. And all this time God has been using that to guide me. The person I would usually talk about this with is somewhat incommunicado of late. We're going to have to talk, not quite sure why it's taking a while to even state that point. But it's a little hard when it's like there's a brick wall in front of you. In the mean time...I'm praying. Yesterday we, Ams and I exchanged presents with Greg and Ry. Ry gave me this necklace with a really really pretty heart pendant with a cross in it. And Greg gave me the new Newsboys Worship CD. I doubt either of them know how much they mean to me. The gifts and their person. I love you guys! Today was the first CCC meeting of the term. I've been contemplating this a lot. But today I realized that this was something I needed. It was really nice, the girls are encouraging, are in love with Jesus and different yet the ability to commune with them is very positive. I was sitting there during prayer time and I wanted to open my mouth but I felt so hushed. I was trembling and I was so overcome. We talked about Vision. What our vision was for this term, the next five years and the next fifty years. The one recurring theme I found in them was the need to get closer to God, to serve Him in the way HE wants me to and not something I conjure up for myself. I have these dreams in my heart, that some people in my life may not quite support, but I'm laying them at the feet of my God. Over the weekend I met my uncle and aunt and my babies with my dad and brother. My uncle asked me about my courses this term and I told him..then he asked me if I was going to be a pastor. I said maybe, and he made a little joke about it. Not in a mean way, just his normal way of teasing me. But I wonder about that. It's all in what the Big Guy in heaven has in store for me. I don't know where the road He has set me on is going to lead me. But I know that He's directing my paths now, so I'm not afraid of where it's taking me. In the question of ministry, in my relationships, in my dreams/vision, in my 'career', in this life He has given me. |
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Mood: Time: 1:34 a.m. Listening to: God is in it, Point of Grace *If it's got love, if it's got peace, That's the only way that I can believe it, to lead me to the Light. If it's got joy, if it's got truth, Something that's going to take a little faith to do, to make the pieces fit, God is in it.* Something occured to me this morning. I don't know why I didn't see it, maybe I didn't want to. But, you know when an animal is afraid or spooked it attacks? I think there are some people who are afraid/spooked and so they attack in just the same way. It doesn't matter that there is no attack imminent (to the animal/person) it's just that there's a possibility so they react, without thinking. And once it's done they find a way to justify it without the possibility that maybe they made the mistake in the first place. I talked to God last night, (side story: I had watched the Phantom of the Opera with my room mate Maki, and we came home and listened to songs from the opera. Let me tell you...it's awesome...we were both in awe and had goosebumps!) and I was reeling from the beauty in the talents He gives people. ( See the story relates) And also just completely overwhelemed with a need to talk to Him about half a million thoughts I had. I lay it all at His feet, and He gave me such an awesome cuddle. (Have you ever had that? It's awesome isn't it?) I asked Him to show me some things, and I asked Him to speak to me at church. Guess what? He did. Through the Worship and also during the sermon. In a lot of ways I have been perturbed by some people. SO I said Okay God, You know that I lay everythign at Your feet before they were even going to happen. You know I said I would take what came with it. And only You know what needs to happen for Your will to be done, now in these situations and in me. So help me understand. And yes He spoke to me alright. I was so weepy in the service, but it was beautiful for me at the same time. One thing that the Pastor said was, to get to the next level you have to fight this Giant. (that's a paraphrase) Anyway, I was talking to God throughout the service too...so it was a powerful moment for me. And then the huge understanding that came with it. Preparation for His calling is what takes me through the valley, and with Him as my coach and my guide I can get to the next level. I can take on this Giant. I've been presented with one Giant after another in my life, each time not believing I would overcome. But look at me now. I'm not afraid, and something weird I realized, what got me through it is that I never have been. Not afraid in the literal sense, but fear in that the situation will never be done. Or that it's goign to be worse...because I sure have had those...it's never going to end...moments/days. Wow, I've never been afraid that I would never get through it, and be stronger. There's something AWESOME about the power and the name of Jesus! He is my/our Jehovah Nissi, Jehovah Shalom, Jehovah Shammah AND Jehovah Rohi I'm listening to this somg right now...Waiting in the Wings. It's so beautiful cuz I just had a God tune in to the lyrics. Yep words are important to me. Not because of the fact they are words. It's because I feel the words, I weigh them, think about them, apply them. They're not somethings that come together to be frivolous. THEY IMPACT - they wound, they glorify, they rejoice. While words are very important, we also have our hearts. Which unfortunately can be stomped on. But you just let them heal, inflate and keep on beating. When Your hearts are in tune with God they are never going to let you down. But beware - if you rely on your own steam and your own minds...your heart is the deciever: Jeremiah 17:9, 10a The heart is decietful above all things, who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart and I test the mind. This is becoming a problem among us all, including Christians. We talk well about how much we love God. We tell Him how much we love Him, and we probably do. But then we choose our own minds over Him, our own ways over His. How does that serve any purpose? We spout out verses to try to make our stances clear, to validate what we want to validate. But only HE knows our hearts and the truth. There is water to the argument about having a 'heart in the right place', and that place is Jesus. |
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Mood: Time: 12:21 a.m. Listening to: World Through Your Eyes, Reuben Morgan *Let me see the world through Your eyes* This has been an interesting New Year. I can honestly say that only Jesus has been keeping me afloat. Also I am in a place where I am aware of the things that He has been showing me that I have been choosing not to see. Or more so, coming to see what He wants me to see that I have been choosing not to see. Sarah, Megs and I just watched Bride and Prejudice. It was alright a movie, funny but I guess it could have been better. If it wasn't an Indian Store copy of the video! And Rory from Gilmore Girls was in it! Despite the other stuff, this has been a good day I guess. Moreso than anything, for the past couple of weeks I've been talking to God a lot. Especially for the past week. Not that I haven't been talking to Him anyways, but it's been more of a need to talk to Him. Before and at the beginning of the year gave up situations into His hands. And I told Him then I was willing to take whatever came with it. Now has been where I guess He's taking me up on it. Certain people in my life who I love very much have made certain accusations that I don't believe have weight. I understand their view points, but somehow it seems like they have this tunnel vision. They refuse to see any other side of the situations. I'm actually more disappointed, I believed that they were more mature, more open minded and aware than that. I don't say that in an inflammatory way. It's so easy for people to create lines and make thing black and white, unfortunately nothing in life is so starkly shaded. Chains are going to hold you back until you are ready to let them fall. And even then there is a struggle. I was told this a long time ago, that the only one I am totally accountable to is God and then my parents. I have taken my moves to God from the start. Sure people may want to mock me for it, but I'm not ashamed of it. Jesus is the one who died for me, He is the one who sustains me. I am accountable to Him. Him alone. If ever you are doubtful of the truth, ask Him. He is the one who answers. Creating a false reality is not going to give you truth. This New Year, this first month, begin anew in Him. He knows your heart, He knows the truth behind EVERYTHING. He will lead you...I know...He's leading me. |
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Mood: Time: 12:52 a.m. Listening to: Nothing
I couldnt see this so I redid this quiz and got....
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